I have spent the last few months directing the school musical. It was crazy and it was hard and it was wonderful. We had our shows this weekend and I'm so proud of how well things went. I came home last night with my flowers from the cast and my heart full of compliments from the community and it was glorious. And then, it kind of wasn't.
I've lived on my own for nearly ten years. Most days, coming home to my quiet little house is a haven from the rest of the world. I like knowing that, unless my sister has stopped by, things will stay where I put them (even though my organizational systems are often lacking). I love not having to consult someone when I want to do something spur-of-the-moment. I love coming home, putting on my pajamas, and watching Netflix until bed if I so choose. But sometimes, when something wonderful is happening in my life, and I'm full to brim with happy, I wish that I had someone to come home to, someone to celebrate that feeling with. Being single is rarely something that even crosses my mind anymore, especially when things are as busy as they have been. But last night, I wished that I had someone to share my good times with more than I had in a long time.
It's funny to me that happy times are when this comes up the most. I can deal with sad. I can even deal with most of the everyday things, even taking out the trash, as much as I whine about it. But last night, I wanted my man (however fictional he may be) to be there to watch the show, to take me out for a late dinner, to read aloud all of the sweet Facebook comments to. Not having that put a sad tint to all of my happy. And I really wish that wasn't the case. I wish I was self-assured enough to just go to bed alone knowing I'd done well. But apparently, I'm not. I went Eeyore all over Twitter, instead. (Much like I'm doing in this post. Sorry, peeps.)
Maybe it's all just the emotional let-down of a stressful week. Maybe it's just me going back to the "Will I be alone forever?" well that I thought I'd long abandoned. I don't know. Lonely and happy will always be better than lonely as sad, but couldn't I just feel one thing at a time? I know that's not how it works, but it would be awfully handy.
Anyway, I'm still here. And I have read every sweet message you left on the last post. Thanks for being awesome.