I'm mad at God, at the whole world right now. I don't think God minds. I mean, sure He'd rather that I not be mad, but I have to believe that He also knows my heart. I believe He knows that I am just trying to reconcile things. And He'd rather I talk to Him about it than not. I've done that before, the whole not talking thing. Let's just say it didn't go well.
So, I'm talking. But it's not always reasonable. It's not always kind. It's me clinging with all that I have to the truths they teach you as a little girl in Sunday School, even if it means you're singing "Jesus Loves Me" through clenched teeth. Being stripped down to the very tenants of your faith sucks. I know that's not really a biblical word, but it's the best I've got. I went to church today, and it was hard to sit there. I actually walked out once and had a moment in the bathroom because everything in me wanted to go home. But I made myself go back, and an angel in the form of my darling friend, Sarah, talked with me about things (much to the annoyance of those around us I fear). And while it didn't take the angry away, it did help. (To borrow from Steel Magnolias & PW: I love you more than my luggage, S.T.)
I think if it was just one thing, I could manage. But that's not how life works, is it? No, it's a million things all at once because the deceiver wants nothing more than for you to give up. And that's not what I am about.