I'm mad at God, at the whole world right now. I don't think God minds. I mean, sure He'd rather that I not be mad, but I have to believe that He also knows my heart. I believe He knows that I am just trying to reconcile things. And He'd rather I talk to Him about it than not. I've done that before, the whole not talking thing. Let's just say it didn't go well.
So, I'm talking. But it's not always reasonable. It's not always kind. It's me clinging with all that I have to the truths they teach you as a little girl in Sunday School, even if it means you're singing "Jesus Loves Me" through clenched teeth. Being stripped down to the very tenants of your faith sucks. I know that's not really a biblical word, but it's the best I've got. I went to church today, and it was hard to sit there. I actually walked out once and had a moment in the bathroom because everything in me wanted to go home. But I made myself go back, and an angel in the form of my darling friend, Sarah, talked with me about things (much to the annoyance of those around us I fear). And while it didn't take the angry away, it did help. (To borrow from Steel Magnolias & PW: I love you more than my luggage, S.T.)
I think if it was just one thing, I could manage. But that's not how life works, is it? No, it's a million things all at once because the deceiver wants nothing more than for you to give up. And that's not what I am about.
Wow. OK, so want to hear something totally unique?
ReplyDeleteI have been praying for you this week. I've read your blog a few times and each time the Lord has said, "Pray for her. She's special to me." So while I'm weeding my garden, I'm praying for you. Not sure what to pray but just praying as God is leading me to. And then I wrote that post you read this morning and I went out to weed and I prayed, "Lord, please have the person you want to read that post read it today. Bring them to my blog and strengthen them."
and then I got your comment and I thought, "Wow. Answered prayer" but I had no clue who you were. And then....I click on your link.. and I see your smiling face and I read this post.
Wow.Answered prayer indeed. I love how God works!
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and I believe and know that God will bring you through this. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. There is a blessing in mourning sin that has hurt us, life that is cajoling us and all the decisions in between those two points.
I'm praying for you.
Redeemed Diva
I just love how God works! I believe that He is working out His plan over all of this, in my life and in the lives of those I love. Tonight, during Bible study, I felt Him speak over me that perhaps when I thought this was the end of a story, He meant it to be a beginning. So, I feel more hope than I did when I wrote this earlier today. And I expect that tomorrow, it will be even stronger.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your prayers. I'm thankful for people who are willing to listen to what God has for them, even when it's for someone they don't know, and circumstances that are unclear. You have no idea what that does for my spirit! Thank you and thank God!
Katie