***DISCLAIMER: If you don't know me in real life (or even if you do), this may not make a lick of sense to you and that's just fine. Let me have this one. I need it. You won't hurt my feelings if you stop reading right now. I promise.***
No one knows how to hurt you like the people that are supposed to love you. Your family member who picks at an old wound, a friend who disappoints, church people who preach love but practice disregard. What? Were you under the misapprehension that church people don't act like that? I saw you nodding with on the first two, and then you went a little blank. I would love to feel a little blank right now, instead of the emotion soup I have cooking inside of me.
I love God's people. Please do not misunderstand me. I know some of the most amazing, godly people. I have nothing against them. I honestly have nothing against anyone, because I'm doing everything I can to move beyond the people and look at the situation. There comes a time when you have to look at the situation and say, "This is not worth fighting for." I've come to the realization that I can say what I need to say, and then I can walk. It shouldn't be this easy--or maybe it should. After all, the decisions have been made for me, without even a phone call.
People in the church want to talk about what's wrong with the world. They say that those on the outside say that "church people" are hypocrits. (They are sometimes. So is everyone else.) We want to stand in Sunday school classes and pulpits and talk about loving one another, then in the next breath make assumptions that are hurtful, cowardly, or just plain mean. The Church is filled with people, and people are flawed. I am flawed. But I'm also tired. I'm tired of fighting for things that I shouldn't have to fight for or about with people I have no desire to fight with. I'm tired of the Shield of Faith being used to protect those people who are only brave enough to talk behind others' backs. I'm tired of having to put my Jesus in someone else's box to be good, right, or holy.
If you ask me, I will tell you that my walk isn't what I would like for it to be. I'd say most people who were honest would say the same about their own walks. My Bible doesn't get read like it should. Sometimes I fall asleep before I get out all my prayers. I let events drive me to my knees instead of living there like I wish I could learn to do. I don't pretend to be a model Christian. Be wary of anyone who does. What I am is willing, but it's a really short walk from willing to willing to be taken advantage of. And that, I am not.