It's rare that I even think all that much about being a single girl. It's part of my life, but as far as parts go, it tends to take the back burner a lot. It's always there, though. On the best days, I think about how lucky I am to be in the position that I am in, to only have to take care of myself, to do what I want (as Crys might say). On the worst...well...on the worst, I blame God and myself for being single and almost 30. Those days used to be unbearable. I would cry and scream (as if that made one lick of difference). I would make promises that I couldn't possibly keep. Inconsolable was the nicest word for it.
These days, that's not how those day go. Sometimes I do wonder what the plan is. I wonder if I will honestly be in this position the rest of my life, how that's going to look, how things will work out. I still wonder sometimes if I only have myself to blame. I wonder if I had tried harder, been better, done more if someone would have loved me. I know, deep down, that's not how it works, but it doesn't always stop those feelings. Because it's hard to be almost 30 years old and know that you have no idea what that kind of love would feel like.
Today, I tried on the fourth bridesmaids' dress of my adult life. Unlike the stereotype, I actually love being a bridesmaid. (I mean, outside of proms, how often in life do we have a good excuse for an up-do and a fancy dress?) I count it a blessing to stand beside a friend and listen to them take their vows to love and honor good and decent men. And I simply cannot wait to wear that dress this October, to stand beside one of my besties of more than a decade and hear her say those familiar words to the love of her life. But, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't wondering if I will ever be the one in white. And you all know that I don't lie on here.
I'm pretty good at keeping myself busy. (School actually does it for me, more often than not.) Sometimes, it just catches up to me. It would be nice to walk through this life with a man who loved me. And to pretend like my mind never went there, that all of this was enough to distract me, would just be foolishness. Most days are good, some nights, not so much.