Perhaps I mentioned it once or twice, but I am not a big fan of change. And 2011 was all about change. Even with God's almost constant reassurance that He was at the helm and that this change wouldn't be for harm but for good, it's been hard.
I hadn't really come to terms with what this meant for my ministry, particularly with music, until Sunday. You see, at my new church (which I love more and more with each Sunday), the pastor has really been after me to join the praise and worship team. It makes perfect sense. I have sung in church most of my life, and was part of a p&w team for the last ten years. But I just haven't been able to get excited about it. And if you know me, you know how odd that is. I really hadn't given it a lot of thought, though. There's been a lot going on with the holidays, and this and that. Convenient when you don't want to deal with something, right?
Until Sunday morning. During worship, we sang "Blessed Be Your Name," which was a song that the girls and I sang a lot. (The lyrics are here.) And suddenly, I was in tears. After the service, the pastor was talking to me about singing again and before I even knew what was happening the words poured out, "I'm not ready to sing without my girls." And as soon as the words were out, I knew it was true. That has been what was holding me back.
I haven't been a part of a praise team without my girls for ten years, the whole of my 20s. We didn't just sing in church, but at all kinds of other events. We have seen God do some wonderful things, and even when things weren't wonderful, we had each other. And there's a lot of comfort in that. I knew every note of every song, and even though they are no longer to my left and right in the pew, I hear their harmonies in my ear. We didn't really talk about the end of our ministry together much, but my heart mourns it.
God is doing a new thing. He really is. But what I am most thankful for at the moment is that He's giving me time to catch up to it. I'm not there yet, but I am headed in the right direction. And I know that when I get there, it will be good.
I went to worship team practice for the first time tonight. It's not the same. I still love worship, but I struggle without you and Crystal. They sing in different keys. I can't find my normal harmony because it's too high. I struggle with Crys' harmony, because it was HER part and singing low isn't what I do (I go up - duh!). It sucks. The end.
ReplyDeleteI haven't practiced with the team yet, but that's how I feel even in worship. It's been a huge adjustment, and I really dislike it.
DeleteIt is wonderful that you see God working in your life and in your ministry. When He gets you there it will indeed be Good!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Becky! I can't wait to see what He has up His sleeve for me!
DeleteA lady a church commented that I should sing with their praise and worship team. I told her I was retired. In part, it's really nice not to be responsible for the praise and worship atmosphere of an entire church, but part of me just also thinks "Those people aren't nearly as good as the people I used to sing with." Selfish? Maybe, but I don't mean it in a talent sort of way. I mean it in a feeling people out sort of way. Or in a "this just fits" sort of way. And the truth is, nothing else has just fit like that. And you become unwilling to sacrifice when you've had something that worked so well.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I am done with singing yet, but I know that it is going to be a huge adjustment from what I was used to. I keep telling God that I am fine with being comfortable, but He has yet to let me be that way!
Delete