Perhaps I mentioned it once or twice, but I am not a big fan of change. And 2011 was all about change. Even with God's almost constant reassurance that He was at the helm and that this change wouldn't be for harm but for good, it's been hard.
I hadn't really come to terms with what this meant for my ministry, particularly with music, until Sunday. You see, at my new church (which I love more and more with each Sunday), the pastor has really been after me to join the praise and worship team. It makes perfect sense. I have sung in church most of my life, and was part of a p&w team for the last ten years. But I just haven't been able to get excited about it. And if you know me, you know how odd that is. I really hadn't given it a lot of thought, though. There's been a lot going on with the holidays, and this and that. Convenient when you don't want to deal with something, right?
Until Sunday morning. During worship, we sang "Blessed Be Your Name," which was a song that the girls and I sang a lot. (The lyrics are here.) And suddenly, I was in tears. After the service, the pastor was talking to me about singing again and before I even knew what was happening the words poured out, "I'm not ready to sing without my girls." And as soon as the words were out, I knew it was true. That has been what was holding me back.
I haven't been a part of a praise team without my girls for ten years, the whole of my 20s. We didn't just sing in church, but at all kinds of other events. We have seen God do some wonderful things, and even when things weren't wonderful, we had each other. And there's a lot of comfort in that. I knew every note of every song, and even though they are no longer to my left and right in the pew, I hear their harmonies in my ear. We didn't really talk about the end of our ministry together much, but my heart mourns it.
God is doing a new thing. He really is. But what I am most thankful for at the moment is that He's giving me time to catch up to it. I'm not there yet, but I am headed in the right direction. And I know that when I get there, it will be good.