Blah

Am I the only one who has been feeling especially blah lately?  And I'm not just talking about the political arena, though there's certainly enough going on there.  I hesitate to call what I'm feeling pessimism, because I don't really feel that everyone and everything is bad.  It just feels like every area in my life is part of some emotional rollercoaster I did not get in line to ride.  And yet, here I am in the stupid car with nothing but my faith in God and razor sharp wit to keep me secured.

A student the other day was talking about how "grown" they were.  I pounced as soon as the words came out of their mouth.  "Do not be in a hurry to become an adult.  Being an adult is a trap.  Stay a kid with a magic refrigerator and occasional laundry service for as long as your parents are cool with it."  And I say that somewhat jokingly, but also not.  Because this being an adult thing is way harder than they tell you it's going to be.  And I have extremely supportive parents who do things like go out and get me a hot water heater because mine is leaking and I have no clue A) how to get the right kind/size of water heater for my aged house and B) when I would actually go get one as ballgame season is still happening and on the few nights I'm home I pretty much collapse in a pile.

I've been living on my own for nearly 15 years, and I still have no clue what I'm doing 90% of the time.  And while I'm doing that 10% I think I have a handle on, someone is bound to tell me I'm not doing it to their satisfaction.  Yeah, yeah, we aren't supposed to let other people's opinions get us down, but have you figured out how to actually do that?  Because I'm a habitual people pleaser, and knowing someone doesn't like me or something I've been a part of is kind of devastating to me, even when I try to pretend that's not true.  Part of that is probably that I live and work in the same community that raised me, so interpersonal relationships can get complicated.  But even if I lived and worked elsewhere, I'd still want people to like me and the work I do.  It's just who I am.

I don't really know that I have an actual point outside of thinking maybe getting this all down will be cathartic or something.  Maybe all of this ennui is seasonal and a result of a lack of snow days, paired with a full moon.  Maybe the world really is a dumpster fire.  And yet, for whatever reason here we are.  And despite the rollercoaster, I still find things daily that bring me hope or make me smile or remind me that maybe no one really knows what they're doing.  Maybe we really are all just winging it and hoping someone slightly more competent comes along side us to keep us afloat.  I don't know. But maybe that's okay, too.