In my quiet time (which is a lot of the time because I live alone), I've been thinking about love recently. There have been all sort of catalysts for this. Yesterday, I sang at a funeral for a woman I've known my whole life, Christamae, who was married to Paul for 70 years. Crystal and I had a talk about relationships on Friday night. It's been the topic of shows and articles and movies. I have two weddings in as many weekends coming up. How could I not be thinking about love and marriage and all that jazz?!?!
Mostly, I've been thinking about how funny it is that for the first time in my life, I'm not searching for a relationship. Sure, there have been times that I have said this in the past, but I really mean it now. It's not that I'm saying I don't want have all that, it's just the first time that it wasn't really at the front of my mind constantly. Maybe it's because I'm finally content with my life. I feel like I have some direction, some purpose, a lightly drawn plan for where I'm going. And I think I've come to terms with the fact that if God wants me to be single, I will be. And should He want me to be married, I will be. And I won't be able to force His hand either way. So, why continue to struggle with it? Sometimes, I wish that I could go back and give some of this knowledge to the girl I used to be. Maybe she would see that it doesn't have to be all drama, that you don't have to go throwing yourself into brick wall situations just to feel needed, just to think you are loved. Of course, it's only with experience that you can learn some lessons.
And while we are on the topic of love and marriage, I can't imagine being married for 70 years. (Of course, I'd have to live to be 100 for that to happen to start with!) But, even more I can't imagine the grief when that person goes on to Heaven, leaving you. I always thought the song "Johnny and June" was a little unclear of what we all really want. I don't want a love like that first part of their lives together. I've seen Walk the Line, and that didn't really look like all that much to strive for. It's those later years of Johnny and June Carter Cash that make me tear up just a bit, the idea that you are so wholly devoted to someone that you just can't live here without them. That isn't the kind of love that could burn your barn down, it's the love that keeps your heart warm. That's what Bob and Jane Norton had, that's what Paul and Christamae had, and if anyone should ever find themselves thinking they want to marry me, then it's the kind I want. And you can take that to the bank.