This break was not the break I thought it would be. I don't really even know what I expected, probably too much. That seems to be a theme with me. I always build things up in my mind to be this certain way...more somehow...even when there's no real reason to. And the optimist side of me thinks this is a good thing, but my realist side says that I'm setting myself up for failure. I think we all know who usually wins this argument.
I spend a considerable amount of time trying to convince myself that I'm happy. Is that normal? I mean, I get real glimpses of happy from time to time--sweet, shining moments--but they are always braced with grounding reality. Maybe I've just spent a little too much time snowed-in this week. Being alone with my thoughts has always been dangerous for me. Add in the reflection that comes with the beginning of a New Year, and I'm pretty well screwed.
Each year begins with so much hope. And at the end, I look around and see how little is different with me. Same job, same single life, same, same, same. And it's not really that any of those things are inherently bad. I like my job. I like pajamas and popcorn for dinner. But what if there are things out there that I might really love?
I know, I know. We can't live our lives in the 'what if.' That's not how it works. We'll drive ourselves crazy and maybe that's what I've been doing. Life isn't about how we expect it to turn out, it's about what we're actually given and learning to be grateful and all of that. I know that in my head. I get it, I repeat it, I try to live it. But sometimes it's just not enough. Right?
I'm not whining. I'm just asking. Because I'm 31, and I thought someday there would come a point where I didn't feel like such a kid. Not in that 'kid at heart' way, but in that 'I don't have any idea what I'm doing' way. I see these people who are my age around me with so much direction and sense of purpose and it feels like they know something I don't, attended a class I missed. And I don't know what to do with that. I've never known. And I just wonder if that's normal. It would be nice to feel like I'm part of the majority, because I don't really know that I've ever felt like that. (Yes, I know we aren't supposed to compare, but let's get real.)
And so, I spew all of this onto the internet, because I am really tired of talking to myself. A little New Year's catharsis is good for the soul, right?