Sunday, December 30, 2012

New Year's Honesty -- Read At Your Own Risk

This break was not the break I thought it would be.  I don't really even know what I expected, probably too much.  That seems to be a theme with me.  I always build things up in my mind to be this certain way...more somehow...even when there's no real reason to.  And the optimist side of me thinks this is a good thing, but my realist side says that I'm setting myself up for failure.  I think we all know who usually wins this argument.

I spend a considerable amount of time trying to convince myself that I'm happy.  Is that normal?  I mean, I get real glimpses of happy from time to time--sweet, shining moments--but they are always braced with grounding reality.  Maybe I've just spent a little too much time snowed-in this week.  Being alone with my thoughts has always been dangerous for me.  Add in the reflection that comes with the beginning of a New Year, and I'm pretty well screwed.

Each year begins with so much hope.  And at the end, I look around and see how little is different with me.  Same job, same single life, same, same, same.  And it's not really that any of those things are inherently bad.  I like my job.  I like pajamas and popcorn for dinner.  But what if there are things out there that I might really love?

I know, I know.  We can't live our lives in the 'what if.'  That's not how it works.  We'll drive ourselves crazy and maybe that's what I've been doing.  Life isn't about how we expect it to turn out, it's about what we're actually given and learning to be grateful and all of that.  I know that in my head.  I get it, I repeat it, I try to live it.  But sometimes it's just not enough.  Right?

I'm not whining.  I'm just asking.  Because I'm 31, and I thought someday there would come a point where I didn't feel like such a kid.  Not in that 'kid at heart' way, but in that 'I don't have any idea what I'm doing' way.  I see these people who are my age around me with so much direction and sense of purpose and it feels like they know something I don't, attended a class I missed.  And I don't know what to do with that.  I've never known. And I just wonder if that's normal.  It would be nice to feel like I'm part of the majority, because I don't really know that I've ever felt like that.  (Yes, I know we aren't supposed to compare, but let's get real.)

And so, I spew all of this onto the internet, because I am really tired of talking to myself.  A little New Year's  catharsis is good for the soul, right?

12 comments:

  1. You are not alone in not knowing what you want to do or what you want to be when you grow up. I'm right there with you. I get glimpses of happiness but I wouldn't say I'm ALWAYS happy. I'm 32 and I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going. I don't really like it, but I'll keep looking.

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    1. Even if you aren't sure what you're doing, it's good to know you aren't alone. Thanks!

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  2. At 27 I know exactly how you feel. People I graduated high school with have careers, kids, dogs, the whole package. But then I make myself realize that there really isn't a "whole package." There's what we've been told we're supposed to want. And yeah, I want a lot of that. But my best friend who has all of that keeps telling me how jealous she is of me - the things I am doing, the things I can do, the things she wishes she could do. There's no right way to go through life, no real timetable that we should measure ourselves against. The only thing I can say is do things that make you happy, and if that means making drastic decisions (moving to Europe for the heck of it) or just putting yourself out there a little more (there's no shame to Match.com, I've been told), then why not try? I've told myself that 2013 is "The Year of the Try" - I'm just going to let myself be open to things, to try them. Because...why the hell not? YOLO, right? ;)

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    1. While I can't support your use of the term YOLO (ha!), I am with you on the rest of it. I know that there's really no right way to do all of this, but it's nice to hear it from other people. And I think I'm going to join you on that whole "Year of the Try" thing. Why the hell not, indeed!

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  3. You're definitely not alone. I'm 38 and gave up the whole direction thing a year ago. I have to say, life has never been better and I'm kind of enjoying wandering aimlessly and experiencing new things.

    Do what makes you happy or, if you don't know what makes you happy, take a leap of faith and do something new and crazy. What's the worst that could happen? :-)

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    1. Thanks, Ermie! Knowing you aren't alone is the best feeling, even if you know that it means we are all just wandering.

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  4. Do you though? DO you really not know what you want to do/be etc. or maybe you don't know how to get it? I think these are two different questions. Maybe, deep down you do know what you want, what would make you happy, but you're not sure as to how to go about it. Not that I'm a big guru on this stuff, but I've always known what I wanted (at least most of time, and at least on the big stuff), so I think the question you have to ask yourself is whether you know what you want, then we could all help you to get there. You do have a career, so you're not totally floundering out there, you've got that covered. NOw, do you want to remain single or would you like to find to share your life with? DO you want to try new things? Travel? Learn a new language? Whatever it is, once you know WHAT it is, you can make plans as to how to get it. Somebody once said, that the difference between a dream and a goal is time setting, I think that makes sense. Once you add a time line to your dream, you're that much closer to seeing it come to fruition. So, do some thinking and get back to us, we'll take it from there. :)

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    1. This was just a burst of wondering aloud. I agree that there really are two separate questions at hand. However, I don't really know that I have any answers right now. I think that's what 2013 is going to be all about for me, figuring out not just the questions but fleshing out what the answers look like. But I'm loving the feedback. Makes a girl feel loved.

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  5. I absolutely love your frankness on your blog. Kudos. I have a daughter who spent years trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life, and felt "out of the norm" because she didn't have a "passion" to follow. She's still working on it.
    I think women today have more options but that can actually make life harder, and can make that woman wonder if she is doing all she can do.
    Katie, you are not alone in these thoughts.

    I guess my advice for you is to continue to make a wonderful difference to your students, and to continue to grab those moments of happiness. At the same time, try something new! I know you thought of an online dating service once. Did you ever pursue it? I just had dinner last night with my niece and her new boyfriend - and they met via Match.com. It does seem like the way to date these days, once out of college life.

    Continue to BE POSITIVE, because your enthusiasm will shine and you will be a joy to be around! Trust that God has given you this life and it's to His glory and purpose that you lead it.

    I know you have a mother, but you remind me of my daughter...so can I be your "back up"? ( :

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  6. Marla, One of the best things in my life is that God is continually putting encouraging women in it, and I am blessed to count you among them. I do think you are right in that we now have so many options, we don't really know what to do. I'm not sure how I feel about online dating or any of the rest of it, but I look forward to figuring it out, with some help from my friends, near and far.

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  7. Katie,
    I follow your blog every once in a while I am currently in the exact same place as you. I feel like this adult world is much harder than it appears in the movies. I have joined an online dating site and my whole goal for life in 2012 was to put myself out there. I would love to say I met the man of my dreams, but instead I grew more confident in what I did have to offer in a relationship...and I think that's what I needed for this point in my life.

    I hate the saying "Things happen for a reason" but the truth is they do. I lost my job this year due to a RIF situation. I was LOST! It took the reality of getting RIF for me to figure out that teaching is my passion! You are NOT alone another blogger I follow just posted this today http://maybethatsthebeautyofgrace.blogspot.com/2012/07/discontentment.html?m=1 hopefully you can find some connection between you and her.

    “Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” -Walt Disney

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    1. I love that quote! Thanks for the comment. The best part of this whole post is hearing other people say, "Yeah, I think that or have thought that, too!" There's something in just knowing that you aren't the only one, you know? I'm ready to see what 2013 holds. It's just brimming with possibility.

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