One of the things I've been dealing with recently is that I am really lonely. The thing about living alone is that you do get used to it. There are times when I don't know if I am thinking things or actually saying them out loud. And one of the things that happens after a while is that it is easier to be alone than to go out and be around people. Even when you long to be around people, sometimes it just seems like it's entirely too much trouble. Last night reminded me why it is usually worth the effort.
I don't know if I will ever end up in a relationship. I would like to, but I can't sit here and say that I know that is going to happen for me. It may not. And while I don't know that I want children of my own, I also have this almost resentment that I might not get the chance to decide all of that with the husband I assumed I would have by this point. And I don't really know what to do with that or how to resolve it.
The last year has brought about so much change in my life. And much of it was not particularly welcome when it showed up on my door step. Like the changing of seasons, people have come and gone. (Thankfully, some have even come back again.) There is still much that remains a mystery to me. But, at the end of the day, all you can ask for is to have people you love who love you back. I have that. No, in this season, that isn't a husband or children, maybe it never will be, but I'm learning to be content with receiving the love that comes my way in whatever form it may appear. And better yet, I'm learning to love back, which is not really something I've always been very good at.
There are lessons to be learned in every season. And I'm not even sure what all of my lessons in this one are yet, but I'm willing to keep trying.
I don't know if I will ever end up in a relationship. I would like to, but I can't sit here and say that I know that is going to happen for me. It may not. And while I don't know that I want children of my own, I also have this almost resentment that I might not get the chance to decide all of that with the husband I assumed I would have by this point. And I don't really know what to do with that or how to resolve it.
The last year has brought about so much change in my life. And much of it was not particularly welcome when it showed up on my door step. Like the changing of seasons, people have come and gone. (Thankfully, some have even come back again.) There is still much that remains a mystery to me. But, at the end of the day, all you can ask for is to have people you love who love you back. I have that. No, in this season, that isn't a husband or children, maybe it never will be, but I'm learning to be content with receiving the love that comes my way in whatever form it may appear. And better yet, I'm learning to love back, which is not really something I've always been very good at.
There are lessons to be learned in every season. And I'm not even sure what all of my lessons in this one are yet, but I'm willing to keep trying.
Katie, very well written. I think one of the hardest things for a woman to do is to "change" the fairy tale dream. Although you don't know what your future will bring, I hope you realize that as a teacher you have MANY children to develop and love... and that you make a big difference to them. Friends do come and go, and I am a new friend, connected by blogging, and our CMA experience. We both love country music, and family, friends, and making the most of each day. Keep the faith, keep the smile, and know you are VERY special!
ReplyDeleteI think loneliness is oddly pervasive this time of year. Like you, the older I get, the more things change, the more I find myself clinging to the people who, for some odd reason, love me back despite my reclusive tendencies.
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