This Summer...

...I am going to...

• swim
• learn to cook
• go to the STL with Amber
• turn the TV off
• be a secretary at Versatile Vocalists
• learn more about my roots
• take an obnoxious amount of pictures
• do a book study of Crazy Love
• watch my brother marry the love of his life
• hit some yard sales
• redecorate my house
• coordinate a wedding for two darling friends
• go work out at the gym more
• spend quality time with my friends
• fall in love with music again
• build tents in my living room with Maia
• go to t-ball games
• laugh (a lot)

And who knows what else?  What are your plans for the summer?  Please share in the comments...

Not As Young As I Used To Be

Let's start with the most important news--I survived my night of a thousand high schoolers (or 50 high schoolers, whatever)!!  With the help of a few awesome adults (thanks, guys!), we had a really great time staying up all night celebrating the Class of 2010.

With that said, it's also important to note that I felt like death pretty much all day on Saturday.  I slept on and off, which was nice because I really do love sleep.  A lot.  But I ended up with a crick in my neck and my body clock all screwed up and just kind of whiny and miserable.  I know that I am only 28, but it is more than evident to me that I no longer bounce back from no sleep like I once did.  Now, it's important to note that I have never done well with no sleep for extended periods of time.  When I was younger, sometimes I would get physically ill if I didn't get enough sleep.  Luckily, that seems to have passed, but I still get a little nuts when my sleep schedule is off.  My body still isn't quite sure what day it is or how we got here (which isn't all that different from most days really!).

Needless to say, yesterday I took it easy after church.  I ended up hanging out at Mom and Dad's, watching/making fun of a couple Lifetime movies and watching Valentine's Day, which was fairly predictable, but cute. 

Only have the rest of this week plus Tuesday at work and I will be out for the summer!  Absolutely cannot wait to feel the weight of this school year lift off of me!  At least that part hasn't changed as I get older!  If anything it's gotten sweeter since I am the teacher!

Crooked Lines

So, I've been a little quiet this week, I know.  Spent some time thinking, some time at federal jury duty, some time having a nervous breakdown about Project Graduation (which is tomorrow.  TOMORROW, people!).  I'm nervous because I want it to go well, and I'm the girl with all the plans to execute.  At least I do know that I will have help, and that soothes me more than you'd think. 

Keeping busy has actually been good for me because I haven't really had all that much time to think (or at least much time to think about things that weren't related to the law or Sam's Club).  Jury duty in itself was pretty interesting.  There's an episode of Designing Women where Julia gets called to jury duty and has a rant in the jury room and there were a couple times yesterday I wish I'd had that memorized (except she was going to have dinner with Jimmy Carter, so not sure it would have had the same effect).  The judge was awesome and the case was short, so I don't really have anything to complain about. 

Other than that, I don't really have a lot to talk about.  I really can't wait to have some time off, because I want to spend some time with my notes from Beth Moore's Esther study.  There was so much in a session that I know I didn't absorb everything I should have.   "For such a time as this..."  is just stuck in my brain.  I'm ready to see that reversal of destiny, let me tell you.  At Linda's funeral, the priest I grew up with, Msgr. Bill McGhee, quoted that "God writes straight with crooked lines."  It really struck me, and I asked where he had heard it and he said that he didn't even really remember.  But what a thought, right?  Sometimes, we look at our lives and wonder what He's going to do with this situation or that.  We wonder how this could ever be to God's glory and for our good.  And even if we never get an answer here, when we cross over I think that all the things that seemed messed up, crooked, or just a plain, old mess will make perfect sense.  All we have to do is hang on...

Hope

Hope has a way of turning its face to you,
Just when you least expect it.
You walk in a room or look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless.
You say to yourself, "It's been a while since I felt this.
And it feels like it might be hope."
                                    -Sara Groves  "It Might Be Hope"

This song has been in my head since sometime last night.  God has been so good to me this week, so very patient.  As you can probably tell, I've done a lot of my processing here.  But, I've done it in other places too.  It felt like things started to turn around last night at Bible study.  I love those women so much, and I have learned so much from them, more than they intended even.  And after, a good visit with good friends, which was so very needed. 

But, the most amazing thing has been the other people God has placed in front of me, the unexpected people.  I expect that when I am struggling, my friends will step up.  But God has been showing out with some of the ways He's been caring for me recently. Yesterday, I read this post.  And it was like God taking my face in His hands and forcing me in the gentlest way to stop focusing on the problems and just focus on Him.  So, I commented on it and Redeemed Diva, who I don't know personally and just recently even started reading, shared back that she had felt God asking her to pray for me and she had been.  You could have knocked me over with a feather. My God is that kind of awesome! 

So, here's where I am as I begin another busy week full of who knows what.  I am choosing hope over everything else.  God really does have all of this.  There is a reason, even when I can't see it and it doesn't make sense to me.  God hasn't forgotten us.  Perhaps we have all been led here for such a time as this.

Anger

I'm mad at God, at the whole world right now.  I don't think God minds.  I mean, sure He'd rather that I not be mad, but I have to believe that He also knows my heart.  I believe He knows that I am just trying to reconcile things.  And He'd rather I talk to Him about it than not.  I've done that before, the whole not talking thing.  Let's just say it didn't go well. 

So, I'm talking.  But it's not always reasonable.  It's not always kind.  It's me clinging with all that I have to the truths they teach you as a little girl in Sunday School, even if it means you're singing "Jesus Loves Me" through clenched teeth.  Being stripped down to the very tenants of your faith sucks.  I know that's not really a biblical word, but it's the best I've got.  I went to church today, and it was hard to sit there.  I actually walked out once and had a moment in the bathroom because everything in me wanted to go home.  But I made myself go back, and an angel in the form of my darling friend, Sarah, talked with me about things (much to the annoyance of those around us I fear).  And while it didn't take the angry away, it did help.  (To borrow from Steel Magnolias & PW:  I love you more than my luggage, S.T.)

I think if it was just one thing, I could manage.  But that's not how life works, is it?  No, it's a million things all at once because the deceiver wants nothing more than for you to give up.   And that's not what I am about. 

Grief

I've never been very good with grief, though I doubt anyone sits around talking about how good they are with it.  And there has been entirely too much of that particular emotion this week.  For as much as I like to talk, I'm not very good at being open with my emotions.  I never really have been.  Part of it comes from being of stoic, German stock, I think.  Neither side of my family is all "let's talk about our feelings."  The other part is that it just takes me a long time to process my thoughts.  I tend to disconnect in public, and do all of my thinking at home later or one-on-one with people.  Being disconnected actually helps sometimes, particularly when you are singing at a funeral for someone you love.  But in the aftermath, when that's over, I still have trouble feeling out loud.  My fear is always that if I don't cry at those sorts of things, it won't seem like I'm sad.  And that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

The truth is that I am not good in those situations.  I never know what to say, so I try to opt for silence rather than saying something completely ignorant or inadequate.  But don't take that silence as indifference.  Trust me, I'm a lot of things but rarely indifferent.  It's just that I just don't ever want to make someone else's suffering worse.  And I don't always know how to help make it better right away. 

There are a lot of things I know I will never understand, things that Jesus is going to have to explain to me when I get there.  It seems like that list keeps getting longer and longer these days.  And it's hard to keep the first feelings from being anger, because that is my go-to emotion.  It's hard to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs, "THIS SUCKS!  How could You allow this!"  It's hard to remember that there is a divine purpose, because that just seems cruel. Sometimes there aren't enough words to express how sorry you are.   Sometimes, there just aren't enough tears to do justice.

Matt & Melissa (aka Mel)

These cuties...

are getting married...

in a little over a month.

and I, for one,

can't wait!